Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
