I faked an abortion last night.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
