I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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