On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
