No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize