i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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