dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize