I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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