i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
