I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize