420 ftw
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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