You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
