i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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