did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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