We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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