is your mom at the bar?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize