And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
