Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
