last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
