Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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