I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
