Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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