chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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