So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
