dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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