it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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