It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
