i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
