K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The maid of honor just puked.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
