ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
