I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's always time for handjobs
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
