I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
