You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
