I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
