I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
