My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
