cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
