he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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