I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
