I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
