So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
