Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
