sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
