we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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