I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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