I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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