Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
