so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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