Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
