i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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