yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
