When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
