I can text with my tongue
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize