i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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