Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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