i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
nutella sex= disaster
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
