Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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