Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
