When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
